Sincerity is one of my main personal traits and therefore, I will admit that since I can remember I have not expressed a desire to be a model. Well, of course, I have long been fascinated by any type of art, art studies, and more specifically photography. In general, I take interest in the capturing of a theme, motif or idea, communicated entirely by the human essence. It's complicated. I like ambiguous things in the aforementioned category.
A great opportunity to be actively involved in modelling arose when an ex-colleague of mine asked me to participate in a photoshoot organised by Alia Models. I was very sceptical and was unsure if the offer was entirely serious. I thought it was some kind of joke. However, taking into consideration my creative nature and the support of my colleagues, I decided to give it a try. Despite my belief that only people born with some extraordinary talent could become models, I managed to overcome my self-denial and embark on a new journey, which seems to have been predestined for me. In the past, friends and family have suggested that I should become a model and honestly I would not have responded any different to Alia Models’ invitation than I had responded to my relatives - with a certain dose of self-irony and even refusal. However, I was in the process of something akin to self-discovery and I decided to give it a chance.
It happened months after I moved out to a new city. I had just recently graduated from high school. I was overcoming some personal challenges in an attempt to find a different path for myself. I discovered it in the form of throwing myself headlong into life on my own. As an introvert, pulling down my inner walls came with having to give myself more credit for certain things. I believe that an important part of the process of self-discovery is to maintain a relatively high self-esteem, or at least to avoid being negative towards yourself. I find this extremely difficult sometimes, especially when I must appreciate what I do on a daily basis.
It is important to mention that sometimes we close widely open doors that will lead us to life-changing opportunities and new experiences by critically saying to ourselves “Who am I to even try?”.
One example of my thought process that I sincerely hope resonates with you is that a significant part of my internal narrative revolves around growth and progress. I labelled a good share of my personal achievements as insignificant until a certain point in my life, only because I believed that they should be valued by others. I learned how to overcome this attitude.
To my mind, this whole quest for approval comes from a world that is increasingly alienating. At the risk of sounding dull, I would say that we interact more with screens that we do with people. We get the right amount of socialisation from the comfort of our homes, but isn't this just a simulation?
The essence of real human communication is lost, and we become more bitter by the lack of context. We can order food, have a social life and develop our professional career without leaving our home and, as one would imagine, we are not satisfied. This is quite unfulfilling. I am trying to get out of this loophole myself. Unfortunately, as I mentioned, the post-epidemic environment predisposes us to this lifestyle.
Eima and I managed to create something inspired precisely by the aching loneliness and melancholy that sets upon us due to the aforementioned alienation. I am leaving the commentary to her.
“I'm not one of those people who remember names, and for that reason I don't think I need to introduce myself. Those of you who are interested in what we have written here can get to know me more closely. The main reason I work in photography is because it gives me the opportunity to show the world through my lens. My world is not only an external phenomena, but a whole other world inside me.”
“In the last few years, I turned inward in search of myself. In my attempt to do my best “I” encounter various questions, situations and feelings. Photography came along just when I needed a means to express myself and be understood. I like to look back on periods of my journey through concepts involving feelings and emotions”
“During that period I needed to share my stories, recount and move on. The cold winter months made us stay in and look inward. It so happens that we open ourselves to our problems, and instead of accepting them and then solving them, we close ourselves to them and with them.” “In my case, this is exactly where photography came in. I tell my stories and how I feel in order to move on. Everyone knows how much easier it is when we share, isn't it? Well, this is my way of sharing and it always works for me. I like it when the people I work with give me freedom and leave the concepts to me. With Kayo I felt the help I needed for this story. The story that each of us falls into – loneliness.”
"Nothing happens by accident and I always let faith decide and lead me where I need to be. This is how I found the location for the photoshoot - a lonely abandoned house in the middle of nowhere. The moment I saw it I knew that this was the right place and the images sprung up in my mind."
“Working with Kayo was a great pleasure, mostly because we both knew exactly what we wanted to do and express. Here is a question I would like to ask all readers - what is it that moves the flow of action within you, even through the greatest storms?”
“In those instances the sky turns into a harbinger of our rebirth, conveying the echo of those storms from which we emerged.”
- Viktor Astafyev
Author: Emilia Budinova and Kaloyan Iliev @kauojan
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